So I’ve decided to take on a huge project that probably SHOULD have been done sooner, but I don’t think COULD have possibly been done sooner. So here’s the story and here’s the project:
I was a creative writing major in college… However, I have not written anything for a year, and the whole year prior to that, every time I sat down with a notebook or at the computer it was torture. I used to save my creative writing homework for last cause I knew I’d enjoy it, but my final year that wasn’t the case. I was told in my creative writing classes that my writing – if it was good enough – would protect me. It would protect me from those embarrassing moments I was writing about, and from the anger of other people because when it breaks down to it, it’s a story and we read for good stories. Well, that wasn’t the case. My writing was good, and that wasn’t the case. Rob was wrong. I was wrong.
Then enter two years of depression followed by anxiety. Pretty much convinced I had no support from anyone in my life and then at the same time my anxiety started making up conspiracy theories about myself… how convenient. I stopped going to church, I stopped really believing in God [like I KNEW, but like… do you even care? Clearly not, so why do I put my trust in you? Type thing]. Through a very emotional night I confessed what I had been holding in for months about my confusion, bitterness and anger to Evan and of course Evan suggested I start going back to church but I was so reluctant. I didn’t want to, but any time I went with him I felt almost as if my body had been full of static (like TV static) before church, and after it was like living with a clear screen. I could breathe for a little bit.
So this one day, I am sitting at work, minding my own business and this little girl comes in and gets a french manicure. Conversations take off and she starts telling me how her Dad’s a pastor and I started to open up a little bit about my story and my doubts and that I grew up in church yada yada yada. So she invited me to her church… and feeling like it was maybe God finally paying attention to me again, I went. And I continued to go for a couple of months. They were warm and welcoming and EVERYTHING I WANTED… but any time there were events, my schedule didn’t match up and I started to think that even though Solid Rock was what brought me back into the habit of going to church, maybe that wasn’t where I was supposed to be. Which sucked cause there were a lot of amazing people there.
So then this one day I was tapping through Instagram stories and my friend from freshman year of college had posted this quick story about the church she had started going to, 2|42. I sent her a quick message about what it was like, and she was happy to respond. I then texted Evan and said “we are checking out another church.” I swear I could hear his eyes roll through the phone.
Showed up at 2|42 and it was kind of everything I wanted, but for the longest time couldn’t find a way to connect so while I was still going to 2|42 I was looking around at other churches… being me and preparing for the future I was already thinking “okay, I want my kids to be able to be in JBQ and Missionettes…” but I felt God pull me back and kind of tap me on the shoulder and remind me that I don’t know what the future holds or if I’m still gonna be around the area for that. I had so much else to worry about before I worried about JBQ for my currently nonexistent kids. So focusing on the now, I ended up staying.
In the meantime with all of this going on, (excuse the language, but I can’t find a better way to describe it…) shit hit the fan in my own personal life. I was battling with my roommate pretty much almost on a daily basis, feeling left out – on purpose – belittled, ignored and I honestly don’t know what I ever did to her. As well as the Gymnastics Club board was having issues and I cared way too much about them that their stubbornness and my will to fight for myself was causing issues. When it came to personal interactions between people I called friends, I knew that I was no longer this sweet innocent freshman, I had some dirt on my hands, blood on my face, and in a lot of ways I wasn’t afraid to show it. Creative writing encouraged me to un-sensor my work, so you could say my vocabulary expanded. It taught me how to talk about things in my writing that I typically wouldn’t talk about. Personal thoughts, experiences, family issues, fears, intimate conversations and connections with friends. But in most conversations it felt like I would have been more respected by the people that surrounded me in my everyday life, if I had just stayed sweet and innocent, and never stood up for myself… or had never even written at times. It was as if they respected me as a Christian when I was 100% all about Jesus all the time, but didn’t respect me/my beliefs when I was struggling with my faith – which is a common thing to struggle with. It was as if loosing my innocence was what lost me respect which was strange because everyone else was allowed to lose their innocence and they were welcomed with open arms into the club of people that could earn the “Platinum Certificate of Depravity.” So after a night at sidetracks, I said goodbye to Dave, told him I loved him and I remember closing the door that night and deciding I needed a break.
The weeks that followed were ones where I was realizing that if I wanted to keep my income (as a nail technician) I would have to retire from gymnastics. I could not pull out one final season. So the plan was to talk to the board and strike a deal to keep my position without doing gymnastics for one last year and see if anyone wanted to be “trained” to take it over from me. But if it hadn’t been for a warning from a close friend, I would have been blindsided when told that the board had not only talked about it without including me or notifying me, but had also decided that in order to continue making the videos for the team for the 2018 – 2019 season and posting on the Instagram and promoting the club… not only would i be doing that for free, but I would also have to pay the FULL 210 club dues. Without doing any of the gymnastics that came along with it. Which was the reason we were all there to begin with. I wasn’t going to pay to do a job I should be getting paid for, and I wasn’t going to pay to record everyone doing things I wished i could still physically do… which by the way, sucks. So I quit right then and there, handed over passwords and walked away. I gave away most of my leotards a month ago. *Not belittling the club or the current board, I am just explaining my decisions and how it felt.*
But it really left me feeling alone. All I had was work, Evan and my roommates. However, 2|42 was promoting this thing called ROOTED. If you joined there was a chance you would become a small group afterwards, so after weeks of saying no, I finally said yes. The group was a total God thing, and tonight was the first night since quitting the gymnastics club and completely walking away from it that I felt like I was going to – in all aspects of my life – be okay.
So… with that being said, I have been thinking about it, and it is about to be a huge project. But I have gone through, removed all previous pieces of writing from my blog, it is currently “Under Construction”. This will take MONTHS. But I have started writing again. It is darker, and heavier and not what one would expect. However, I want to show the transformation of my life through my writing. From the moments of lost friends, to realizing that I had lost them, to the issues that followed, with the loss of faith, to feeling – like I said – covered in dirt, scares, lies, pain, drama, ultimatums and the struggle between wanting to break away from it all and become someone or something else or becoming and embracing the person you are meant to be with all of your dirt all over you. Innocence gone, friends gone, yearly traditions gone, mock awards gone, potlucks gone, Halloween and Christmas parties gone, leaving group chats, exiting conversations… to this life that has gone from a bad reputation to someone who is reclaiming it. Surrounded to alone and from alone to surrounded. From unforgivable to forgiven. From supported to unsupported from writing stories to writing poetry, from innocent -> Guilty -> Forgiven and finally a story of life without God to a life with God.
I would really love the support from anyone who enjoys reading. You can follow the link and click on the follow button or (with that button) set up an email that will be linked when I first re-launch it. I will probably share this again, but I am really excited to “relaunch” something that has had such a negative impact on my life and turn it into something I am proud of.